Lovers of jeans with metal chunks on them, rejoice: the Entourage movie finally hits theaters this weekend.
To say the film hasn't been well-received would be a bit of an understatement—it may be faring better than Aloha, but not quite as well as the Poltergeist reboot. It's hard to name a property that has fallen as far from more-or-less grace as quickly as the HBO series/tourism ad for an unattainable lifestyle. A series known for its glorification of the Hollywood meat market, devoid of any critical satire or anything above the laziest humor, Entourage has long been a reliable font of crass humor and casual misogyny and homophobia. But as a film, it's virtually nothing more than that.
While Avengers: Age Of Ultron managed to function as a Joss Whedon delivery device even in the midst of some larger narrative issues, Entourage tosses clunker after clunker at the audience, each more exhausting than the last. We culled our favorites* from the blessedly brief 104 minutes of the film, but fair warning: you will hate them. And by "them," we mean anyone involved with writing, speaking, or thinking the lines. Unless the movie is just a very expensive troll, in which case we salute them.
"Fun is when you forget a girl’s name while you’re fucking her."
—Johnny Drama (Kevin Dillon), trying to cheer up Vincent (Adrian Grenier) in the face of Vince's impending annulment.
"You could blow me through it in case it sucks."
—Ari Gold to his wife, who after eight seasons and a movie still doesn't have a name
"One vagina closes just as another opens."
—Johnny Drama again, encouraging E (Kevin Connolly) to enjoy a post-breakup fling
"I’m fucked. Since you’re here, I’m betting you’re fucked as well."
—Kelsey Grammer (Kelsey Grammer), to Ari and his wife as they enter their therapist’s office.
"I may have to jerk it before we even get there."
—Drama, while on a speedboat approaching a yacht full of scantily-clad models.
"You look like Karen fucking Carpenter."
—Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven), responding to Turtle's new "svelte frame"
"L’chaim, bitches!"
—Ari Gold, channeling his inner Jay Z
"You ever seen Bad Grandpa? That never gets old."
—Haley Joel Osment, as the son of Billy Bob Thornton’s Texas billionaire
"Call somebody who can kick me in the nuts so I don’t need a vasectomy."
—T.I., bemoaning becoming a father once again
"You causin’ trouble over pussy again?"
—Billy Bob Thornton, to his son (Haley Joel Osment)
"This was pointless."
—E, to two women, former roommates who both slept with him in a 24-hour period. (Bonus points for doubling as a succinct review of the film.)
*We recognize the problematic nature of using a positive word to refer to a negative or toxic object. Don't think we don't.
